Heartbreak sucks. There isn’t a really nice way to put it. It is utterly devastating and even though you aren’t actually injured in any way, you are in a world of pain.
It’s also amazing the amount of ways heartbreak can come about. Death. A break up. The realisation that a dream won’t come true. It can come from a family member, a friend, a lover, even an animal.
Having BPD means a heightened sense of emotions, what may feel like an 4 for most people will be a 9 on my scale of things. I’ve learnt over the years to be hyper aware of my emotions, to try and ground them so they don’t overwhelm me. When I am hit with strong emotions, I don’t cope well, I can go from being fine, to extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. I’m lucky to have a few friends who understand this and are always helpful in talking me through things until I get back to the stage where I can control my feelings again.
It still scares me though, thinking about how easily I can just hit rock bottom. The fact that 1 in 8 people with BPD will kill themselves. I think that’s why I’ve always been so rational with my feelings and trying to control them. I don’t want to be one of those statistics.
The other day, I wanted to die, I didn’t understand how people survived heartbreak. How do you get up and keep on going when your happiness, your hopes, your dreams get pulled out from underneath you?
But you can. You get up, you keep going, you keep occupied. Every little step is a challenge, but it’s to be rewarded. Surround yourself in things that make you happy, make you smile. Hug your fur baby, treat yourself to a new pair of shoes and maybe that piece of cake you wanted but thought “no, I shouldn’t”.
So, i’m currently in a bit of a funk. I’m emotional, exhausted, confused, hurt. I’m crying a lot. I’m taking pictures of myself crying, because I’m weird like that and I find there is just something oddly beautiful & vulnerable in seeing someone cry. I am however, not a pretty crier. I’ve been going off on tangents, if you hadn’t noticed, because my brain won’t be quiet. I’ll dust myself off and pick up the pieces soon, but I’m trying to let myself mourn this loss.