Sometimes, it’s hard to give up the past. It’s hard to look into the future and think of the positive. You get caught up reliving memories. You get stuck on the what ifs. I’ve been doing that a bit lately. What if? What if? Life throws curve balls at you when you least expect it.
I try to keep positive, but it’s not always easy. I could say life isn’t easy, but then I feel bad, because compaired to so many others, my life is a piece of cake, but for me, I struggle. Struggle with the mundane. Even if I have become somewhat cynical, somewhat bitter, I still have that little box of hope buried underneath everything.
I’d closed myself up a couple of years ago. I buried my feelings so very very deep because I couldn’t handle them. It’s the way I cope. It’s not the first time i’d done it. Filtering out things one emotion, one feeling, one lost hope, desire, dream at a time. It’s kind of like an emotional hibernation. It’s something I’m constantly working on with my psych, because you see, it means i’m closed off to the happiness that life can bring
I’ve learn to live off the simple pleasures. Things that won’t hurt or can’t hurt me. The excitement of Frodo when I get home. The sun shining on me through the window when I have an afternoon nap. How amazing a cheeseburger tastes when you haven’t had one in a long time. Mail, mail, it never fails.
I don’t think I realised how much events of the past have changed me, how deep the roots have set in. I’m not the same person I was last year, or even the year before that. I am stronger, I am braver, I am more me, but I’ve noticed more and more as of late how hard it is to remove stains from the past.
I’m trying though. I’ve been inspired. I’ve been surprised. I’ve been opening up, sharing. I’ve even let myself hope, and dream. Feel. Things I didn’t think I could, or would feel. Dare I say it? I’m happy.