Musings on Life.

No doubt with everything that’s happened to me the past few months has me feeling like i’m living in a different universe.  Sugars recent blog just got me thinking even more.

So many people have a set plan for life. They are going to go to school, get a specific job, find a partner, get married, buy a house, have kids. For me, my ultimate goal is to find happiness. A general middle ground of feeling safe, loved and content. I think with my mental health, I just focus on the main goal.

I sometimes find it hard to open up, to talk about things & also how much to share on my blog. While I have talked a lot about my mental health, and things that have effected me, I often just gloss. So, right now, I’m going to share some of my life, and what has been going through my head.

When I was younger, I remember I wanted to be a check out chick. Yep, I sure dreamed big! I wanted to get married but I never wanted children, just to grow up and surround myself with animals. I wasn’t overly interested in school. I loved learning, I just didn’t like the environment and socialising. As I got older, I think my main focus was just on surviving. In my early teens I was told I had ‘general depression’, I struggled with everything. I left school to try to focus on my health, and even my Mother has confessed she wasn’t sure i’d make it past 18.

I spent a lot of my mid teen years with my Sister, who helped me get through many days when I just didn’t want to live anymore. After holding her hand through the birth of my nephew, I really never wanted to have children. It was a bad birth, but boy oh boy, it wasn’t pretty. I was diagnosed in those years as Bipolar (not otherwise specified) and a little later as having Borderline Personality Disorder.

I got help, and soon started running a business along with my Mother and Sister. We opened a craft store and I had such a great time. I managed the store, I ordered stock, I ran scrapbooking classes. Over a year later though, I went through some dark times. Some of the worst, that landed me in hospital a few times. Nothing serious, but when I would get overly depressed my parents would take me to the local hospital to see the psych team. I was only ever kept overnight once.

My ex-boyfriend Adam played a huge part of helping me grow. He stuck by me through some of my darkest times and moving out to my own house, where I was given the responsibility of looking after it, cooking, cleaning, helped me. I have a lot of happy memories and I will always be so greatful for the role he played in my life.

During this time I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and told a drastic statistic of my chance of conceiving and giving birth to healthy baby. It got my thinking, maybe one day I did want children. I did  accidently fall pregnant, and unfortunately miscarried. I didn’t know I was pregnant and it was very early on, but I was devistated. Turns out, that yes, one day, if I ever find the right person, at the right time, I would love to have a child.

I do want to get married one day. Again, if I ever find the right person. I’m not on the look out. I’m taking this time to get to know me. But since I was little, I wanted to get married. I’m not a person who believes you have to get married, I believe it’s an option, an option that should be available to anyone. It’s not the piece of paper for me, it’s the standing next to someone you love, surrounded by friends and family, and telling them how much you love that person and how you want to share your life with that person.

I want to work. I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I blame that on being a Gemini. I know my ultimate dream is to one day own a little land and save dogs from death row and give them more of a chance to get re-homed. Like a second chance shelter. For now, I do love to work in retail. I miss customer interaction, yes, I am one of those people who love to schmooze. Sitting behind a computer all day just doesn’t fulfill me, which is why I just don’t think persuing my graphic and web design skills at a full time is right for me.

My mental health is pretty good these days, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but with living with it for so long (I don’t like using the term ‘suffering’, sure, it’s not fun, but it’s part of who I am, and I have learnt to love who I am, all of me, good and bad) I have learnt special tricks that help me through. I feel blessed to have such supporting friends and family. People I talk to and not have them judge me. I feel lucky to have this blog, and it’s readers (THANKS FOR READING! *gives you a cookie*)

In the end, we don’t know what life throws at us. Who knows, next week I meet the love of my life, that may be a 27 year old female named Polly. Or I may end up a crazy cat lady who spends all her time online reading Harry Potter fan fiction and watching Doctor Who. At this point in my life, i’m just hoping that wherever I end up, I’m happy.