When all you want in life is a dog

Hi my name is Natalie, i’m 28, a Gemini, I love shoes and things that sparkle, cool weather, swimming and all animals. I have a few mental health issues and all I want in life is a dog.

I can’t really complain though. While my head makes life and living it hard, I have a roof over my head (I love this house), food, enough money to see a good psych fortnightly, friends, and a super loving and supportive family. I should be golden, but I still feel like something is missing. That missing piece is a dog.

I’ve had at least one dog ever since I can remember. All my life, i’ve had a canine companion, up until Frodo passed away 15 months ago (I remember things like this, 6 years since my miscarriage, 5 years since my niece died, 4 years since my nan died). At first, I couldn’t imagine getting another dog, I was distraught. I had to deal with living in a Frodoless world.

Frodo was my world, and I’m about 80% sure I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for him. I got him when I was around 15 and in one of my most fragile stages. He was my rock. I had anxiety plans built around him from my Councillors. To this day, when I panic, my thoughts go straight to ‘I want to go home, to my bed, to my dog’. The first few times this happened after Frodo passed was hard, I’d get to the ‘to my dog’ part and panic harder. I no longer had a dog.

I raised him to be a pretty good dog and I was so proud of him. Some days he’d do something and I’d think my heart would burst from love. This was what people must feel when they have kids, this crazy emotional, love. When he was sick, I would be like a distraught Mother. When he had his operation on his knee, I’d carry him around, stand next to him so he could pee. When he nearly died from a bowel obtrusion, I did everything I could do to help him. I knew the day before he passed that that was the last night I was going to spend with him. When he passed away, it was in my arms with me telling him he was the greatest and best dog ever. In my heart, he always will be.

I’m not having children, even when I was younger growing up, I never wanted them. I’d always said I’d adopt. Sadly, I can’t adopt. I have issues that would make it hard to concieve and to carry full term and I would not want anyone to grow up with a head anything like mine. So yes, I did see Frodo, I do see Tonka, like my children. A child, that someone who had trouble getting out of bed somedays could have. A child who never judged me if I didn’t leave the house for a week, or a fortnight. Who would willingly give me cuddles and make me happier just by being in the room. Who would encourage me to get out of bed, to feed them, to take them outside. Who made me keep living. It’s something my Psych and I have been discussing over and over.

The thing is, if I was having a child, I wouldn’t have to ask the landlord for permission.

 I was offered to adopt a dog recently. The most perfect dog for me. A dream dog. But the landlord came back with a no. While my rational brain can accept it, it was a big ask, they are scared their property will be damaged, the other part of my brain is devastated. I’d be the best dog parent, I wouldn’t let it do damage and if it did, I’d pay every cent. I can’t stop crying (oh hey, a nose bleed) and I just can’t understand why I try and be the best person I can be, and it always seems that I come in last. I’d do anything legal and not morally questionable to just have this. It still feels like my heart is broken.

I know it may sound trivial to some. And hey, it just may be. But in a world so crazy, if something as simple as having a dog can make my life a better place, can quiet my head, can encourage me to get up in the morning, then I will strive for it. I just wish it was now. I’m not asking for the world. A million dollars. Diamonds. Expensive pairs of shoes. All I want in life is a dog, and I can’t have it.