Christmas Dread

Christmas is usually a fun time for me. I’m not a crazy over the top Christmas person, but I do enjoy it. Well, usually. The first Christmas after losing a loved one is hard and I’m honestly dreading this one.

The first Christmas after my Nan passed was hard, she was the only person who would happily have a Santa photo with me. We’d go up and she’d flirt with Santa and I’d feel a bit like the 3rd wheel, but it was fun and I now have some amazing photos to look back on.

M wasn’t a huge fan of Christmas but looking back, he did care. We never made a huge deal about it, but we always celebrated. With my family, with his friends. One Christmas it was just the two of us, but we went out to lunch and ate, which was one of his favourite things.

Last year was the first Christmas we had spent apart. He insisted I spend it with my family as a few members were sick. He spent it with his family. We were unsure how many Christmas’s I’d have left with certain family members, not knowing it would have been my last Christmas with him. But I’ve learnt, you never know. Life is a crazy rollercoaster and you don’t know what will happen from one moment to the next.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do this Christmas. Honestly, I just wanted to skip it, but avoiding things doesn’t work. Another part just wanted to hop on a plane and head to Japan, do the trip we had been planning, but I have $23 in my bank to last me the next 9 days. Then I was just going to stay home, with my cats. I realised though, I had to go see family. I just knew if M was here, he’d be “Natalie, you have to spend it with your family”. He knew how important they are to me. So, i’m heading home to Sydney to spend Christmas surrounded by the people who love me.

What are your plans for Christmas?