Of life, death & blogging. (May be triggering)

I often struggle with how much to share on my blog. Everyone has their own idea on what should & shouldn’t be shared. It’s a fine line that I worry about crossing. But why? Isn’t this MY blog? I started this blog for me & it’s grown into what it is today, and I love it. I know I have a mind that over analises things. But I’m an honest person, so why can’t I be honest on my blog when I want to? I guess the main reason is, that I’m scared. The blogging world, while lovely, can be harsh.

Owls of Happiness, my friend Lou gave me. They currently watch over me on my bedside table.

These past weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. This past weekend has been hard.

Saturday, was 2 years since I suffered my miscarriage. I still find it amazing how losing something I didn’t know I had, something I didn’t know I wanted has caused such a monumentus effect on me. While some people think it’s just something you get over, for me, it’s not. Well, not yet. It still hurts after 2 years. At least i’ve accepted it, you can’t change the past, it wasn’t anyones fault, and I can now happily be around babies and not cry. Life goes on and it hurts less, but my head seems to remember dates, and I was left laying in bed most of the day, sleeping. Things hurt less when you sleep.

Frodo & Baz used to fight over the prime position. Sebastian being such a huge cat & nearly double Frodo’s size, would always win Nan’s lap, leaving Frodo to sulk behind her.

Sunday, was a year since my Grandmother passed away. A lady I loved so much, whom I lived with for nearly 10 years. She was the one person, who would, without a doubt say yes to having a Santa photo done with me. It’s still hard to believe it was over a year ago that I got the phone call saying she was in hospital and not expected to make it. My parents on holiday & having to drive back from close to Adelaide, I jumped on one of the next available planes and headed off to Sydney. In one way, I am glad my Mother never made it home in time to say ‘Goodbye’, because I wouldn’t have wanted Mum to see Nan that way. I didn’t recognise her. But I know now, she’s in a better place & that she had lived a long and full life. She’d been ready to go for awhile. Part of me is selfish and just wishes she could have lived forever, so I wouldn’t have to feel like loss.

One of many Santa photos my Nan & I had. Always a FATshionita, I’m actually wearing a shirt that reads “Sorry I missed Church, I was too busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a lesbian”

Though, I feel so honored to have such an amazing support network of friends that have gone above and beyond to keep me occupied, feel loved, be a shoulder to cry on, to talk to.

Thank you Lou, Natalie, Richard, Jess & Jimmy. You are some of the best friends a girl can have. I love you all.